Episode 48 - Start Preparing For Foster Parenting
So you want to be a foster parent, but not yet. What can you do with all that energy you’ve got? We give some practical advice for how to prepare yourself.
Engagement Checklist:
http://marriage.about.com/od/engagement/ss/engagedissues.htm
A book on grief and loss we recommend:
Changes That Heal
Arlene said,
October 13, 2008 @ 4:31 pm
Thank you for discussing this topic. Sometimes looking at all the paperwork that is needed just to start the process of becoming a foster parent seems overwhelming. My husband and I met with the program director of a private foster agency, and since then several questions have come up for us. Can you explain what exactly it means when they say a child has a treatment plan? We wanted to go with a private agency rather than the county, but this certain agency only has children who already have a treatment plan. Thank you for any advice you can give us.
Wendy said,
October 14, 2008 @ 9:11 am
Hi Arlene,
I’ll preface this one like I preface everything: I’m not an expert, so don’t take my word for anything!
It may be that “treatment plan” carries a particular significance that I don’t know about. Based on your post, it sounds like it may have to do with a higher level of behaviors to deal with.
I’ll share my experience with treatment plans in California. Within the first month of detainment into foster care, the child’s biological family members are given a treatment plan specifying steps they need to take in order to reunify: attend parenting classes, ditch the boyfriend, test clean, etc. So it could be that a child with a treatment plan is just one who has been detained for a few weeks and the initial court hearings have happened.
Our other experience is with a “client service plan,” which all children in our care receive. The case worker at the agency, with our collaboration, identifies symptoms and behaviors that our kids exhibit, e.g. “The client displays defiant behavior.” Then she lists a treatment goal, e.g. “The client will be able to decrease her defiant behavior. Then there are objectives and services listed such as therapy and/or parenting strategies. As you can imagine, a treatment plan of this type could be mild or severe. As far as I know, all children in foster care have this type of plan–but again, I’m no expert!
There is also a designation called “treatment foster care.” In California it’s called Intensive Treatment Foster Care. These are usually children with a much higher level of behaviors. Your monthly reimbursement rate is higher for these children, and so are your headaches. Claire, our 18-year-old, was in this program. We used the extra reimbursement money for massages and other things that kept us sane!
So, since you asked for our advice, here’s what I would say. First, follow up with the agency that talked about treatment plans. Use language like, “It sounds like you’re saying…” That will allow them to confirm anything they were trying to say delicately, or to correct themselves if they misled you. You might even want to ask to speak to a couple of their certified families. Second, call another agency and have a conversation along these lines. This will tell you whether other agencies in your state have the same standards. Third, call the county and ask them too.
Wendy
Grace said,
October 17, 2008 @ 10:47 am
My husband and I were foster parents for four years in a mid western state. We took care of lots of children between the ages of 4 and 17. We saw the many ways parents do not care for their children and the high turnover of social workers who simply get burned out. But we were not interested in adopting at the time, we already had three natural childen and just wanted to provide a safe haven for kids until their situations improved. Then we moved to a southern state.
And this past summer we finally completed the adoption of our little boy.
Our other children are grown and we still wanted to help. Our little boy was placed with us at one week old, but it took five years to complete the process. This little boy was never in his mother’s care, he was born addicted to heroin and cocaine and he was put in foster care when he left the hospital. We live in a conservative state that does NOT like to terminate parental rights. Each time the mother showed just a little interest the process started all over again. Finally someone said “enough” and when our little boy was three, parental rights were finally terminated. It still took two years after that to complete. So long that what some people have to go thru only once, we had to do twice. But we stuck with the program, made lots of phone calls, sent lots of letters and in general made ourselves polite nuisances. And the documentation, it was overwhelming, the financial background checks, the criminal background checks (twice), the home inspections (four), the fire inspections (three), the personal inventory forms, the required physicals, and the variety of social workers and lawyers,
It’s over now and he is officially ours, but when people hear of what we went thru (and is common in this area of the country) they don’t want to bother. Sometimes I wonder if we had known what we would go thru if we would have started, but it was all worth it, and our little boy is healthy and happy and firmly a part of the family.
Jenn said,
October 25, 2008 @ 1:57 pm
I don’t know what state you are talking about but in my state I believe there is always a treatment plan for the child regardless of the level of care required.
I am no expert either but I would ask more questions just to be sure you are talking about the same thing your agency is talking about. For example, something that may be on a treatment plan could be a developmental assessment, a hearing test, or play therapy. This may or may not indicate some challenging behaviors. So my advice is to ask your agency what it means. I am learning that some of the terms used are used in different ways that vary from state to state and even county to county.
Arlene said,
October 26, 2008 @ 11:20 pm
Thank you for explaining more of what a treatment plan is. Since I’m new to all this it’s almost like a foreign language for me!
I did talk to the program director again of the private agency, and she stated that the kids are “regular foster kids”, but already have a therapist. Most of the children do have issues, and are referred to treatment level because they have a therapist. Most of them are not going up for adoption. They do have behavioral issues, but not a higher level. The children they take care of are rarely reunified with their parents. These are kids that are long term. These kids have visits with their family once in a they stay in foster system most of them. In our state if the child is over 10 they have a choice of whether they want to be adopted; a lot of times they don’t want to be. Not my words, but hers. Wow, I’ve led a sheltered life.
Emily said,
October 27, 2008 @ 11:28 am
On thing I struggled with a little after reading this podcast was comments about preparing emotionally and dealing with grief and loss that already existed in your life.
In my case there is the grief/loss of infertility; I will never bear a “loin child”. I grieved heavily for this. I considered myself emotionally “healthy” at the point when we decided that foster-to-adopt was the right path for us.
But I don’t think that you ever completely heal from every loss that you experience. And I don’t think that necessarily limits your ability to foster parent. It think it is your ability to work thorugh the grief that is more importnat. Recently, after we “lost” our foster placement that had been with us for 14 months and we were preparing to adopt, I went through the entire process of griving not only the loss of my foster daughter, but also my infertility.I think it is inevitable that you will continue to grieve this loss as you foster parent each time something like this happens. But I feel that I am healthy enough to deal with that grief in the right way and that makes me a stronger parent.
Jenn said,
October 30, 2008 @ 3:46 pm
Yes I agree. I think I posted in the wrong place before. I think that was what I was trying to say. I had much grief and loss also. I am taking the steps I feel are necessary to prepare me for the next time around. Learning how to deal with grief and loss can be a healthy process. My story has some similarities to yours, Emily. I am not sorry for the experience even thought there was loss involved. Our family is better for it. I may not ever completely get over the fact that my foster son went home. When people who move in and out of your life and have a profound affect on you be grateful that you are alive.
em said,
November 22, 2008 @ 4:18 pm
Wendy, you mentioned you previously worked screening potential foster family houses. Did you ever have a situation in which a home was approved that had a roommate situation? This is one thing that holds me back and I thought was definitely a mark against me- I’ve always lived with other people and enjoy it a lot.
I know the place I live now would not work, but my partner and I are throwing around the idea of starting a co-op with other like-minded people and families. I know I’ll have to look into local agencies’ rules, but I really never thought that the two were compatible. You just gave me a bit of hope.
em said,
November 22, 2008 @ 4:24 pm
Oh! I also meant to add something. Since you mentioned getting on the same page with your spouse- have you listened to the “Creating a Family” podcast? It’s available on iTunes. The episode released on 9/24/08 discusses reluctant spouses/family members.
Wendy said,
November 23, 2008 @ 12:13 am
Hi Em, it will depend on your state laws and the agency you’re with. At minimum, your roommates will need to be fingerprinted, background checked and interviewed. It’s possible that they’ll need to be fully certified or licensed just as you are, going through the trainings and everything. So it’s not impossible, but it may be difficult. They’ll also want to assess how the roommates/families interact together. The interviewing social worker will be concerned about the level of chaos in the home with lots of people around. If you can show that it will be a safe, tranquil place for children to heal, you will be in good shape.
All that said, I’d suggest contacting an agency just to get a feel for their expectations!
Thanks for your comment.
Wendy