Episode 47 - UnAdoption
Can you “un-adopt” a child? It sounds terrible, but we’ve known children whose adoption was dissolved by their adoptive parents AFTER the adoption was finalized. In this episode, we discuss adoption dissolution: why adoptions fail and how to ensure a successful adoption.
Some links we found helpful during our research:
Preventing dissolution of an adoption
http://adoption.families.com/blog/parental-claiming-of-an-older-adopted-child
Statistics on adoption disruption and dissolution
http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/s_disrup.cfm
Who pays for foster care when an adoption is dissolved?
http://www.nacac.org/adoptionsubsidy/factsheets/childsupportenforcement.html
Rachel said,
October 1, 2008 @ 3:14 pm
Holy guac– can I just say that you have about given me half of a heart attack this evening?!
I open up my ITunes to find NOT another episode from you guys, but a printable brochure on ADOPTION DISRUPTION.
I audibly gasped in absolute horror, thinking that this meant that your two girls were returned to bio mom, and instead of producing an episode on a horribly tragic and personal event, you posted that brochure instead, in explanation.
I was so upset for you– my heart was racing and everything!
Not until rushing over here to your website and finding that episode #47 did exist after all, did I see that I was mistaken.
But, wow– talk about SHOCK, there, for a few minutes!
Yikes! Whew!
Wendy said,
October 1, 2008 @ 3:15 pm
Rachel,
iTunes is doing the same thing for me, and we haven’t figured out why. But I didn’t even think of what could be insinuated from just seeing that link. Sorry to scare you!
We’ll take down the PDF link and see if that causes iTunes to pick up the audio link.
Wendy
Corinne said,
October 1, 2008 @ 3:15 pm
Hi guys!
I want so much to help promote your podacast on itunes, but they must sort reviews by country! I am your only review to be seen here in the UK, and I added it months ago!
Brooke said,
October 1, 2008 @ 3:15 pm
Tim and Wendy,
Thanks so much for all your informative podcasts. Thanks also for letting us ride the emotional waves with you. I pray for you all and know God is working all things together, for you and your girls, for your good and His Glory.
If you think it is needed some information on the support roles for adoption would be helpful. I sit on the board of a nonprofit adoption agency as well as foster parent for them. Our biggest obstacle to fundraising for the good work we do is people not knowing why we need help. There are also so many other support roles that could also be discussed.
Thanks again for letting us in on your lives and knowledge.
Wendy said,
October 1, 2008 @ 3:16 pm
Corinne, I didn’t realize that the reviews were by country. Thanks for getting the word out across the pond!
Brooke, that’s a great idea for an episode. We’ll put it in the queue.
Gwyneth said,
October 1, 2008 @ 3:16 pm
Hey Tim & Wendy!
You’re being unfair in your condemnation of disrupting adoptions. There ARE children that are inherently sociopathic and evil. They specialize in manipulation, lying, etc. You cannot keep a child in your home that threatens to murder you in the middle of the night AND gives you a specific, believable plan. ESPECIALLY if you have other children (that are inherently good). I agree with you that it is NOT okay to disrupt/dissolve an adoption of an inherently good child that has behavioral problems. Wanted to make sure you are aware of the difference. There are good people and bad people in the world, and those bad people were once bad children.
I just heard an absolutely horrific story! An adoptive mother was abusing her 7-year-old, and that girl escaped and somehow found police. When the police executed a search warrant, they found her two adopted sisters dead in the freezer! The mother has been arrested.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,429842,00.html
Have a great week.
Tim said,
October 1, 2008 @ 3:16 pm
Hi Gwyneth.
Thanks for voicing your dissent. We tried to be clear between the differences in disruption and dissolution. We agree that children that pose a danger in a home should not remain in the home. But our view is that there is no reason to dissolve an adoption despite that danger. Sociopathic children are born into traditional families and their parents find a way to deal with their extreme behavior without divorcing them.
Disruption is another matter all together.
Rich Bobby said,
October 4, 2008 @ 7:47 pm
Thank you Wendy and Tim for raising this very sensitive issue. As a social worker and an assistant director for a children’s residential treatment center, I have too often directly witnessed families who adopted children and later ask to no longer have any involvement in their lives as a result of their children’s severe emotional and behavioral disturbances. There is still hope for children who suffer from such severe mental health disorders, and residential treatment is one final resource if all other resources have been exhausted such as psychiatric hospitalizations and ongoing therapy.
My advice for families who plan to adopt children from the foster care system is to think it through the long-run, that is, think about how you will raise the child through his or her teenage years and beyond as if you’ve given birth to the child. Think about how this new family member will impact your current family members. Often times many families experience a “honeymoon” period, in which everything seems to go well for several months, sometimes years, and then gradually and sometimes suddenly things begin to change, and that change is imperfection. This imperfection is where the real love starts. It’s an unconditional love that requires complete acceptance of the child’s imperfections, that is all the good and not so good qualities of your child. If these imperfections are so significant that they jeopardize you and your family’s safety, then this is where residential treatment centers may need to be considered. Just to clarify, residential treatment centers should not be considered as a punishment, but rather a therapeutic opportunity to stabilize and treat your child’s mental health condition, while concurrently working with you to give you the tools necessary to effectively work with your child’s behaviors.
If your child has such severe emotional or behavioral disturbances there is still no reason to relinquish your parental rights and duties as a legal parent. There are long-term residential treatment programs, in which parents can still have custody of their children while the child remains in a structured therapeutic environment that no home is equipped to replicate. In a residential environment there are three shifts of staff who spend a designated amount of time (usually 8-hours) with the children, and realistically this cannot happen in most parents’ homes. Therefore, if you are faced with the decision to have your child placed in residential care, just understand that any feelings of guilt are normal, however also remember that you cannot be in a position to provide 24-7 treatment in your home unless you have severe insomnia, and you do not require sleep. In the state of Illinois, parents can apply for a grant that will actually pay for children’s residential services as long as needed.
My second piece of advice, and most importantly, if you plan to adopt, adopt only if you want to make a difference in another child’s life, versus only doing this to fulfill an unresolved need of your own. If you go into an adoptive relationship looking only at what you will get out of it, then you may need to take a hard look at your motives and reconsider other ways to resolve this need versus adopting a child.
Finally, what everyone who adopts should consider when adopting a child through the foster care system is the trauma a child has experienced. It has been scientifically proven that trauma directly impacts our brains, and many of the children who are in foster care have experienced chronic traumatic experiences that may require therapeutic services. The good news is that therapy does work, which has been proven through new technology such as brain imaging.
One final note, in my years of working in the foster care system in two different states, including managing a child protection center that serviced over 1,700 children involved in the child welfare system, I have never once met a child who was inherently evil. Who I have met are children who have experienced so much trauma that their brains have been significantly impacted to the point they cannot safely live in a traditional home. These children are not bad or evil, even though some of their behaviors may be considered to be bad or evil, this is not who they are as a child.
Thank you again Wendy and Tim for raising this important issue.
Rich Bobby
Julie said,
October 15, 2008 @ 10:48 am
Hi Tim and Wendy,
I am catching up on some of your episodes. Thanks for talking about the hair-raising subject of disruption/disolution. I didn’t know the difference before I listened to your podcast.
There is a family in Minnesota that has taken in several sibling groups of children who were disrupted and adopted them (or are fostering them). They are awesome people, and she writes a great blog. Paula’s blog site is http://www.paulasreality.blogspot.com/. She is such a calm person and will write things like (not an actual quote) “I planted zinnias today. They’re so pretty. And Z threw a fit and we had to call the police. But things are going pretty well.” I hope someday to have her calm.
I don’t find it shocking that there are so many dissolutions. Divorce of spouses is so common in our society, that why should we expect divorce of children to be rare? Divorce is bad, and God doesn’t like it. Our society in general has lost the ideas of commitment and unconditional love required of both marriage and parenting. And also of wise decision making. I’m not attacking anyone. I’m just sad about the state of things.
Jenn said,
October 17, 2008 @ 6:14 pm
I just want to make sure people know the type of disruption that I experienced was really a return to home. Just in case it was misunderstood before. I like what Rich said. I do however, think it is OK to adopt for the purpose of increasing the size of your family (selfish reasons) and make a difference in a child’ life (not so selfish reasons). I also do not believe that grief and loss will exclude a person from being able to foster or adopt. We all have trials and challenges its how we handle them that will make the difference. In fact all of my experiences in life, including loss, have in many ways made me better prepared for foster parenting. Sometimes I hear people say things to me that lean towards not trying again because it was so hard. I think sometimes this adds insult to injury to those of us who have experienced infertility before exploring foster parenting. Saying good bye is hard and so is foster parenting. I would most definitely do all of it again in a heartbeat. I am a strong grown up and better able to handle life than a child in the system. Just imagine what they have to go through. I will get off my soapbox now but my point is you don’t have to be perfect to be a great foster parent. I don’t really get the people who back out after many years of parenting so I don’t have much to say about that.
dawn said,
October 29, 2008 @ 6:35 am
lets turn it around, what about the adopted child that had to put up with a life time of abuse from her father, a so called mother who did nothing to interveen, brothers who still cover up for their perverted father nearly 40 years down the line. so i wish to finally put to rest my adopted family who gave me a sh*t life . i wish to unadopt them completely from my life, by mind and legally. so if any one can help.
sos22 said,
October 30, 2008 @ 8:25 pm
I just wanted to comment on Gwyneth’s comment. I am a paralegal. I worked in an office where I saw two adoptions dissolved. I understand what your response and I agree, but their are exceptions. In the two cases we were a part of, the children were extremely violent and the parents terrified. The parents were also heart-broken and did not want to dissolve the relationship. The had sought assistance from every imaginable source for 3-5 years They were at their wits end. To qualify the children for additional help, they had to dissolve their adoption. Very sad, but true. I know this is not the case in most cases when adoptions are dissolved, but it happens.
michelle said,
December 1, 2008 @ 1:22 pm
My name is michelle and I want to say how much I love your podcasts. I know this is an earlier podcast, but I just watched a 20/20 show on adoption disruption and it was craziness. Here’s the link http://abcnews.go.com/2020. I guess it is more common than I thought.