Comments for Foster Parenting Podcast

Comment on Episode 44 - Familiversary by Lionel

Lionel — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 05:13:04 +0000

Hey there, congrats on the familyversery. May there be many many more to celebrate…

Comment on Episode 44 - Familiversary by Laura

Laura — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 22:07:08 +0000

Congratulations! I just found and listened to all your episodes this summer. Thanks for this wonderful ministry you are providing to other foster and adoptive parents. My husband and I are also foster parents (and Christians). We just started fostering and have had 2 short term placements; we also have 2 “loin” children ages 3 and 7. Wow- what a challenge as you know. We just sent home two little girls (age 1.5 and 2.5). Very sweet and very hard to handle at the same time. I can only imagine what your year has been like. I know in our week with the girls we started to see some changes and I know you have made huge strides yourself. In one of your podcasts you mentioned bible verses about adopting and fostering. Would you mind directing me to where to find them? Oh, my vote for most downloaded episode is the Chance Encounter. I couldn’t wait to get to that one, it is one of my biggest fears.

Comment on Episode 44 - Familiversary by Dan

Dan — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 20:12:47 +0000

I forgot to vote and it’s past the deadline. But I’m going to throw it out there anyways: Episode 28 - Adopting Across Racial Lines.

Comment on Episode 44 - Familiversary by Jon

Jon — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 21:46:39 +0000

As a podcaster who monitors his own stats, I’m gonna guess Episode 1. There are definitely better and more informative ones but I think most people download the latest one and then go back to first one.

Comment on Episode 44 - Familiversary by Jen

Jen — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 14:59:17 +0000

Is it taking them to church? did i win?

Comment on Episode 44 - Familiversary by Jen

Jen — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 15:25:05 +0000

Transitions? Now I am wondering about transitions. I have been using some of the suggestions you all have talked about but now the transition phase has started. Our foster son is returning home and just when we have wrapped our brains around the whole idea and can feel good about the situation he is transitioning into he start acting out. He peed on our daughters bed twice before we noticed it. this was not an accident. It was entirely intential. I even think if I was four I would do the same exact thing. He whined all day yesterday and was really hard for my husband to take care of. He kept saying are you mad at me? I realise he is acting out becasue he is scared and we are the ones he feels safe acting out with but surly there are trasition experts. At first I felt dragging in out might be OK but now I am feeling like maybe it is a bad idea. Any thoughts. Any book recomendations?

Comment on Episode 44 - Familiversary by Jenn

Jenn — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 01:23:58 +0000

I would like to know how your listeners feel about meeting birth parents. We were not allowed until later in the process. I was just wondering because my experience was completely different than I expected. Also, the boundaries surrounding those meetings. I never knew what to share and what not to share so I did not share much at all. One time when signing in to go to a meeting at social services, I refrained from using my last name because the birth parents were going there too but the county did not talk about how to handle any of that or what the rules are. One thing my certifying worker mentioned is not to say anything that puts you in a position to be accused of sabotaging reunification.

Comment on Episode 44 - Familiversary by McMom

McMom — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 23:12:33 +0000

I’m guessing the most downloaded episode is #19 Being the Other Mommy (but since I’m related I’m disqualifying myself from the contest).

Comment on Episode 44 - Familiversary by Krysta

Krysta — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 12:49:50 +0000

Happy Familiversary! My guess is episode #4 “Don’t You Get Attached”.

Comment on Episode 44 - Familiversary by Malky B.

Malky B. — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:38:02 +0000

Happy Familiversary and congrats on a year of podcast. My guess for the contest would be that episode #24 was the most downloaded - “How to get placement”.

Comment on Episode 31 - Taking Foster Kids to Church by Jessica

Jessica — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 18:24:39 +0000

Hi, I’m in last stage process to be a single foster parent and really appreciate your podcast. I have been doing a catch up and listening to about 3 or 4 a day. I just wanted to say that I have really missed the “nothin’” to answer the question of “What’s wrong with that?” at the end of your podcast. I guess I got used to it and now I miss it and it bugged me so much to not hear it that I am here commenting, which I rarely ever do. So, is there a reason it is missing? I pray it’s not from weariness, because even in the storms, the answer is still nothing, right?

Comment on Episode 43 - Getting Your Kids to Fall in Love With You by McMom

McMom — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 12:58:31 +0000

PCI T works for new grandparents too. In fact it is a good exercise to try in all your conversations with obvious modifications for adult interactions.

Comment on Episode 43 - Getting Your Kids to Fall in Love With You by Julie

Julie — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 18:42:11 +0000

Tim and Wendy,
I linked your blog to mine. I hope that’s OK with you. I’m so excited I was on Listener Corner. Woohoo. I feel like a celebrity:)

I have to say that I agree with Tim’s answer to the “to take a long term placement when not intending to adopt” question in a perfect world. But since it isn’t a perfect world, I also agree with Wendy’s answer. I guess the real answer is to just pray about each placement and whether to take it. Case by case, as you said.

Thanks again for your podcast!!
Julie

Comment on Episode 43 - Getting Your Kids to Fall in Love With You by Sara from MN

Sara from MN — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 18:34:32 +0000

Thanks for posting the ritual. My husband and I have been trying to make sure that we talk about important things. We are good about communicating logistical items, like who needs what car tomorrow and when friends are coming over, but I think we miss some of the emotional and spiritual happenings. I will try your approach!

Comment on Episode 37 - Courtroom Drama by Lisa

Lisa — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 07:18:05 +0000

Wendy and Tim,
We let 4 of our 5 children each pick their own middle names. Our son picked a name that was his best friend’s name, which was also my husband’s name! That was that.
Two of our daughters were very young when the placement papers were signed and so we chose two names that we liked for each of them and they got to decide which middle name they wanted. Rachel was one of the names we chose but that daughter did not pick it! We found out years later that there was a Rachel in her preschool class that picked on her and she didn’t like the name because of that!
Our 4th child was 8 years old and she wanted a family name for her middle name. We made a list of all the female family names we had on both sides of our family and she chose from that list. She chose my name. Tear…
Our 5th child was 2 days old when we got her. The whole family picked her name. She was an infant relinquishment case and not a foster child case. Her middle name is her birth mother’s first name.
That said, naming is powerful. It is the gift God gave to Adam, naming the creatures on earth. It has special meaning to our children because we let them pick from names we approved of and had special meaning for us and it included them and gave them power over a part of the adoption process. Let’s be honest, the kids control so little in this whole process, we felt it was important to let them control this. They love telling the stories about how they chose their names. None of their friends can tell that story!

Comment on Episode 35 - You Can Do It by Lisa

Lisa — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 06:57:02 +0000

Tim and Wendy,

You can do it! I feel I know you and I feel you have what it takes. I too am always the lucky recipient of statments like, “What a wonderful thing you are doing!” And often just as those words were hitting my ears, I was doubting myself and wondering if I would be able to carry on. So far so good. We are almost on our 10th year of parenting our (former foster) kids.
I take my strengh from my sister and a few wonderfully suppotive friends. However, I have also been second guessed and very critically judged by the way I have had to parent my special needs kids. Comments like, “All kids do that!” When I know that they don’t do exactly the same things or to the same extreme as my kids.
It will be a long hard road. Your kids will try your last nerve, mine have. But you will survive and you and they will be stronger. We have 5 adopted kids. The eldest are entering high school this year. The challenges don’t go away. They change. Some of them mellow, new ones arise. You have already touched on teenagers with your other children, you will be fine.
God bless.

Comment on Episode 43 - Getting Your Kids to Fall in Love With You by jk

jk — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 22:15:43 +0000

i learned so much from this episode!

i’m going to try everything you discussed…

my partner and i would like to try the 5As. Can you recommend any related reading?

(i am from another religion than you and he is an atheist but we want to learn new ways of communicating/reflecting/praying)

Comment on Episode 42 - Two Working Parents by Jenn

Jenn — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 12:43:05 +0000

Thanks! Tim and Wendy you two are great people. I just wanted to give you an update. I went to the review. It was not the meeting I expected. Then because I still wanted to voice my concerns about many things, I called back and asked to speak with the reviewer privately. Something I was told I could do. Well that went well and they actually said they would use some of what I said for future trainings. Then the GAL called me and told me the birth father’s aunt wanted to speak to me and gave me her number. I called her and it sort of turned things around for me. As it turns out the birth father has a whole bunch of family that has offered up support. She sent me church, school, and community information on where Foster child is going to and she is going to send pictures of all of it soon. I felt so much better about it that I told my foster child he is going to a safe place and he smiled. He believed me because I believed me. He is really smart in that way. I have been wanting to respond but every time I think to contact Wendy it is too early where you live. I will soon though. I was not given the opportunity to meet birth dad until recently but I wish I could have meet his support system and him from the very start. It seems it would have been a healthy way to go about it. My husband on the other hand is in a different place and just feels used by the whole thing and felt we were misled. He even feels bad because the place where our foster son is going is in many ways much nicer that our home. I don’t know what to do for him. He said it looks like he hit the jackpot. I think we were the jackpot! Thanks again,I will keep you posted.

Comment on Episode 42 - Two Working Parents by Julie

Julie — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 18:10:12 +0000

Tim,
That’s a bummer. No email????
One other question: In CA do they have levels of foster parents? Here in MO, there are “Traditional” foster parents, who are at one pay scale and take so-called “Traditional” kids (supposedly behavior free kids). Then for extra training, you can become a Behavior foster parent, which has a higher pay, tougher kids, and a behavior coach to help. Then you can become a Career parent for more pay, but one person has to stay home with the kids all day. Those are the toughest kids. Unfortunately, the way the system is, there are no behavior-free kids, so the divisions are kind of fuzzy between which level of kids you are working with, making it tough on parents who are getting paid one rate when the kid might very well have behaviors that should make them a behavioral kid. And then there’s the problem of not enough of a certain kind of parent for the amount of kids. And then it also happens that Career kids get kicked out of Career homes and sent to group homes, and then get placed back in Traditional homes with unsuspecting Traditional foster parents. As you said, it’s a crazy system! Just wondering if it is similar in CA.

Comment on Episode 42 - Two Working Parents by Tim

Tim — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 04:27:04 +0000

Julie,
I think you found a way to make Listener Corner. You might have made a full episode. We would LOVE to email our social worker. Unfortunately they don’t give us email addresses here in CA.

The song was not a Wendy original. But she is rather good at making up kid songs on the spot.

Sharon. Glad to have you listening in. We definitely strive to describe our faith in a way that non-Christians can understand and appreciate what we’re about. Hope to have you join us in the ranks of foster parents soon.

Just in case anyone thinks we’re cold for not responding to Jenn, we’ve emailed her privately concerning her situation.

Comment on Episode 42 - Two Working Parents by Julie

Julie — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 01:02:27 +0000

Jenn,
I’m sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. I will pray for you!
Julie

Comment on Episode 42 - Two Working Parents by Sharon

Sharon — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 21:59:45 +0000

Hi There! I just wanted you to know that you don’t have to be a Christian to love your podcast, I am Humanist and I absolutely love your podcast and look forward to each and every episode. I laugh and I cry right along side with you both. My husband and I hope to be foster parents when things settle down in our home (remodeling). We are too old for adopting, but fostering would be a great option and listening to your podcast has been a great inspiration for that. Thanks for the gentle push!

Comment on Episode 42 - Two Working Parents by Jenn

Jenn — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 04:56:20 +0000

Hi there Tim and Wendy, I just read Julie’s email. Wow. I think the email thing is a good idea. It sounds like you have got a talented teenager on your hands. I enjoyed the parts about celebrating the strange things.
I am just getting ready to send my foster son to his birth father. He is doing well. I am just very sad because we were originally told we most likely could adopt him. Before we decided to adopt through the foster care system we went through a grueling infertility process. I did manage to have one biological child before I had the problems. I would like to continue this process until an adoption occurs but I have been through so much. Today was our foster care review and it went well all except for me and the mess I was after. I went hoping to tell my story about how my county has fallen short from what I feel is expected and never got the chance to speak with the reviewer privately. Since they were not finished and the meeting ended I just went into my car and cried. My husband is out of town (does not usually ever happen) and there I was alone in my car bawling my guts out. It was hard because it turned out to be more of a transition meeting and that was mostly what we discussed. It all became real for me right there and I started to cry. I am not sure any of them knew I am a fost-adopt parent and not a foster parent. I felt like chopped liver! They were going back and forth about mom and dad and visits between them. So I finally spoke up and said “do I get visits “?? We jumped in and gave our whole self’s to this little guy and if I had to do it again I would.
So my friend told me I still deserve to be heard since the county does not have room for loosing another foster parent but I am just tired right now. When I hear about family therapy, behavior coaches, and day care coverage I just feel jealous. Even monthly visits from the social worker make me jealous because we were only visited twice by ours. (that is sick I know)We are planning to move to another county and try our luck there after a break of course. I just keep telling myself we gave him the gift of attachment and changed his life forever and that get me through. Thanks Tim and Wendy. Also the podcast Wendy keeps mentioning is a great resource. There is an abundance of information on fostering as well as infertility topics because many people who find themselves going down this road have also been down that one. Tonight my foster son said,” Why are you crying?” Something I also picked up from Tim and Wendy ,showing my emotions, and I told him it is because I am sad he is leaving. Then he said he only wants one dad, my husband. Well, I told him that god thinks he is so special he gave him 3 dads and 2 moms and he will always be loved. I have to try to get some sleep tonight but thanks again to all the Foster parents out there! PS I am a fan of some even if it is part time daycare for preschoolers. I think the preschool piece of that is important.

Comment on Episode 42 - Two Working Parents by Julie

Julie — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 03:26:53 +0000

Hi Tim and Wendy,
I finally caught up on listening to all your podcasts. My new goal in life is to get on Listener Corner!!
My family lives in Southern CA (Lancaster), so next time I go out to visit, maybe I can buy you dinner too!! My family is coming here to visit me in a few weeks, so I’m not going to CA this summer.
I have now had my 12-year-old foster daughter for 28 days, and things are going well. I am single, and she is my first placement, and it has been quite a shock to my system (as well as hers), but we are now adjusting, and spending a lot of time at the pool.
One random comment. You mentioned that your foster daughter Claire had asked you how to spell “lenient” while she was texting. Well, I had a similar experience. My foster daughter asked me how to spell “Christian” while she was emailing:) Also, I had a doozy of a 4th of July also. Not only did we have fallout from therapy, but the birth siblings and step dad showed up where we were watching fireworks (M sneaked a phone call to tell them where we were). M is supposed to have no contact with step dad. When she was running to give a phone back to someone and he was there, I went after her, and as a result got yelled at by M. Big drama. Big chaos. Eeeek. As you say, “Fun times!”
Another random comment: On getting your social worker to call you back. I use EMAIL to contact the team. In this way I can email everyone at once, keep everyone updated, and email my foster daughter’s mom to find out the truth about what my foster daughter tells me (In this way I found out she is not allergic to tomatoes and is not a vegetarian, and she does have chores at home:)). Also, I send weekly updates to the team, and I also send emails updating my worker, therapist, bio mom, etc. on good developments and breakthroughs. If the only emails social workers get are about problems, they might become gun shy about answering emails or calling back. So I try to email sometimes about how well my foster daughter is doing.
Fodder for your podcast:
- I have wondered, since I’m not planning on adopting anyone right now (until I hopefully get married. No prospects in sight, since it’s kind of hard to find a guy who is 30 something, a real Christian, wants to foster and adopt, wants lots of kids, and doesn’t mind the fact that I have a PhD), I’m wondering if I should refuse long term placements of kids who look like they might end up adoptable, since I wouldn’t want to adopt (unless God said, “ADOPT THIS ONE” of course). Any feelings on the subject? It seems like a lot of foster parents are foster parents with the eventual goal of adopting, but I am not in that place right now. I just want to help out kids but not adopt them.
- I’ve noticed lately that as a foster parent, (though I’ve never been a parent of any kind before a month ago), I celebrate victories that to bio parents (loin parents?) might seem strange. For example, “Wow, M actually said Thank You to me today!!!!” Big breakthrough. Or, “Wow. M ate meat today. Goodbye Miss I’m-a-vegetarian-food-control-issue!” or “Wow. M actually said she would play Uno with me tonight!” or, “Wow. M actually sat next to me on the couch!” or “Wow. M only took 3 hours to get over her grumpy mood after a visit! Way better than 24 hours!” No bio parent would celebrate these things, but they are BIG VICTORIES in foster parenting.
- Church family. Your are both working, and yes, that makes foster parenting hard. I am single, working full time (though off for the summer), and fostering, which at times seems impossible, like maybe I should quit (after 1 month) because it’s so hard. I didn’t think it would be this hard emotionally. However, I have found that my church friends and other key people have rallied not only to encourage me, but to bless my foster daughter. For example, one of my friends talked to M at a baby shower (where M was the only black girl amongst 20 white women she didn’t know). She talked to M until she got a smile and an answer. Then the next day at church, she brought her a key chain and a few books. Wow. This totally blessed me, because even if M is too self-centered to realize it now, I know every nice thing people do is a seed God is planting that will germinate, and maybe 5 or 10 years from now, M will look back and say, “Yikes. I didn’t realize how nice those people were to me, and how much they cared, even though they didn’t even really know me.” I’m so excited about that day happening, even if I never see it. So anyone reading this comment that even knows a foster kid, the smallest thing you do, like smiling at them, talking to them, giving them a card or a small-parent-approved gift, or playing basketball with them, really, REALLY matters. These kids don’t have a background of people being nice to them. A lot of these kids have parents who don’t see children as special, precious, and gifts (like God talks about every kid being). Instead, the kids are ignored, seen as nuisances, or antagonized. So just the fact that in the evening I play Skip Bo with M instead of doing my work on the computer is a NEW LIFE EXPERIENCE to her.
- In my state, foster kids get free day care if they go to a licensed day care. Is that the same in CA? Any tips on finding a good day care?
- I had originally thought about only taking school aged kids, since I work, and since I don’t like the idea of kids being in day care all day long. However, I love little kids, and I realized that nearly every other foster home they could go to, they would be in day care, because parents need to work, or because since the state pays for daycare, some foster parents put their kids in day care even if they don’t need to (that really irks me, but I can see why it happens, because foster parenting is so demanding.)
- Note, I work for Children’s Division directly, not an agency like you do, and I have great support from them, and even encouragement from them. So not going through an agency can work too. But it all depends on what county you’re in and who’s working.
- I’ve often thought about how the church should be the social services agency, and if the church was doing it’s job, not only would there be no kids needing adoptive homes (as you mentioned in an early podcast), but the state wouldn’t need to have Children’s Division or Social Services. People who have a mess of a life don’t just need programs, services, etc. They need relationships with people who care about them and will help them, and of course, they need Jesus! I think if I had no friends or family that were healthy, or maybe even no friends at all, and I had my kids taken away, and the state was saying, “Do this and this or else you won’t get your kids back,” I probably would be too depressed and hopeless to do what the state said, because I would be overwhelmed, and would have no friends or family to get better for or live for. (Let’s face it, in a circumstance like this, kids are not necessarily motivating, since although kids are a blessing, they are also demanding and a lot of responsibility.) The church should, in a perfect world, be providing services, programs, mentors, caring people, and spiritual help and hope. End of sermon.
- One comment about your situation with Carmen and the hurtful letter about 4th of July. Also remember that Carmen is in her early 20s (I think you said?), practically still a teenager, so not only is she responding as a hurting person who has just lost her kids (pretty humiliating), but she is also responding as a 20-something year old person. I know I certainly wasn’t very mature in my 20’s. I’m much more mature in my 30s Hahaha.
- I think public schools should teach a course in “anger management” and “conflict resolution.” I think that would help our foster kids so much in dealing with their chaotic lives, and would set the stage for healthier relationships in the future. It wouldn’t hurt the other kids either.
- Curious question. Since you are now adopting Andrea and Linda, are you still planning on fostering other kids in the future?
- Wendy, that song you sang with the girls at the end of one of the podcasts was AWESOME!!! Did you write that??? It was so precious, and thanks for letting us hear their little voices!!!!!!! You should do a CD of kids’ songs.

OK. Maybe I can get on listening corner for the longest comment ever???
Thanks again for all you do in promoting foster care. I like the proactive stance you take in your postlude, “The best way to do something about it is to become a foster parent yourself!!!” Very true, and very scary to say to people, so thanks for saying it!
Julie

Comment on Episode 42 - Two Working Parents by Krysta

Krysta — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 14:30:01 +0000

Thanks for the shout out! We had a great time with you guys.

Comment on Episode 41 - Chance Encounter by Julie

Julie — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 23:23:10 +0000

Hi Tim and Wendy,
I’m trying not to read your blog ahead, because I’m listening in order and am only on episode 25 right now.
I listen to several episodes a day to catch up, and also because you are a voice of reason to me right now, just because I became a foster parent 3 weeks ago to a 12-year-old girl. She is a good girl, but it hasn’t been easy at all, since I’m single, have never been a parent before, and am not good with teenagers. However, things have settled down a lot, and we are getting along fine.
Thanks again for podcasting. From the titles of your episodes, I perceive you have had a rough road (is any road easy in fostering? I never thought it would be this difficult emotionally). I am praying for you, and may God BLESS and GUIDE you through the crazy system.
Julie

Comment on Episode 41 - Chance Encounter by Jon

Jon — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 03:31:09 +0000

Hey guys,

I loved your last how. I could feel the pain and panic. Before Amber and I started dating, I was going out with a crazy girl. I kinda knew it while we were together and I’ve discovered over the past 14 years that when I think back she was absolutely NUTS. And our breakup did not go well.

Anyway, for years afterwards, I would see her (or much more likely someone who looked kinda like her) and I would panic. I could feel my heart beating in every blood vessel in my body. Even now, when I drive past places she worked in high school or places we used to hang out, I sometimes get little twinges of fear.

I can’t imagine how much more terrifying this was for Wendy -and for Carmen too. I’m so proud of how you handled yourself. I’m sure I would have had to go home to get dry pants.

Comment on Episode 39 - Foster Care in the Media by Natalie

Natalie — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 02:40:19 +0000

Hi Tim & Wendy,
I have really enjoyed listening to your podcast. My husband and I have been working through the process of getting our foster care license. We have talked about adoption as well. You guys are great and make me laugh. I was listening to one episode right after the other until I am now caught up. Now I can’t wait for you to post the next one. I had to laugh when listening to the episode when Wendy taked about sarching for anything dealing with adoption or foster care on Tivo because I do the same thing. I also watched the Siberian Adoption Hotel show. You’re not alone Wendy is thinking what was that woman thinking that she can’t get white babies in America. Also, Adoption Stories is on Discovery Health. Looking forward to listening to you soon.

Comment on Episode 19 - Being the “Other” Mommy by Wendy

Wendy — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 21:16:11 +0000

Lisa,
Thanks so much for this comment! Your thought on accepting their experiences hits home. It makes me excited to see how our girls will develop into young adults.

Wow, you have made it halfway through our podcasts. By my calculations, you have listened to about six hours of us by now. Hang in there and push through the pain!

Wendy

Comment on Episode 19 - Being the “Other” Mommy by Lisa

Lisa — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 08:16:39 +0000

Wendy,

I commented on the attachment episode as I am slowly making my way though all of them I am sure I will comment more. We have 5 adopted children and I have felt many of the same emotions you described. The one that struck me the hardest was your statement concerning your desire to have given birth to Andrea and Linda, not just to have experienced giving birth.

I would have liked to have given birth to my 5 children. I know that I would have taken good care of myself and I would not have exposed them to danger. I know that I would have taken excellent care of them as infants and as toddlers and they would never have had to experience the loss and grief, abuse and neglect they suffered prior to and during their time in foster care. I sometimes imagine how different their lives and ours would be if they had not had to suffer so much as young children. Then I snap out of the daydream and accept that their lives are shaping who they are and what they will become and that I am only one small piece. Who knows what strenghs and virtues they may have as adults by living their lives just as they have? Only God knows and I may never have the answer, I just have to have the faith.

I don’t know about you but I could not get through life without looking for the silver lining. I believe that they will be stronger people for having lived their lives and I believe that they will be more compasionate too. I couldn’t go on day after day if I didn’t.

You have a gift for sharing. I don’t think I could have put those mommy feelings into words anywhere nearly as well as you did. Thank you for making the rest of us out there feeling the same things feel “normal” in this most abnormal of situations.

Comment on Episode 41 - Chance Encounter by Joshua Murphy

Joshua Murphy — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 23:47:17 +0000

You guys discuss how July 4 is not the anniversary of freedom for all, but you limit your perspective to other nations, when in fact, there are Americans that can rightfully claim that July 4, 1776 did not bring to them an independent lifestyle also. Here’s an insightful blog post that I enjoyed that touches on this towards its beginning:
http://blog.beliefnet.com/godspolitics/2008/07/brain-surgery-with-a-switchbla.html

I enjoy your podcast, although my wife & I are not currently pursuing foster nor parenting. We’re very proud of those that do! True pro-LIFE-ers, in our opinion!

Comment on Episode 40 - Fost-Adopt Disruption by koo in MN

koo in MN — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 18:04:00 +0000

you guys are so thoughtful. i appreciate all your podcasts and reflections. you are putting such good things out there for all of us to think about. thanks again.

Comment on Episode 40 - Fost-Adopt Disruption by Tim

Tim — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 23:26:16 +0000

So sorry to hear about your mother. Wow, bad timing all around.

The two boys that were with us came to our home with the intention to reunify them to their mother. So we knew in advance they would be leaving. So though not technically a disruption, we still grieved their absence. Maybe will talk about that a little more.

Thanks for letting us know the email was down. It should be working now.

Comment on Episode 40 - Fost-Adopt Disruption by Jenn and James

Jenn and James — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 19:11:23 +0000

You did have a disruption though, just no kids in the home when it happened, right? Could you talk about what you went through when the boys left? Did you feel because reunification was likely, it was easier?

Comment on Episode 40 - Fost-Adopt Disruption by Jen

Jen — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 18:02:03 +0000

Hi, Thanks for talking about this. Your email does not work though. I think our whole family will greive in differant ways. I should mention I just lost my mother right before we heard the disruption may happen. So your are right that I am thinking about how I will handle this also.
Jenn

Comment on Episode 40 - Fost-Adopt Disruption by Michelle Diaz

Michelle Diaz — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 07:57:25 +0000

haha, the girls told me about the why tickets. one started asking why, and the other said “no, you can’t ask ‘why’, you don’t have anymore why tickets!”

very clever!! i love it!! =)

Comment on Episode 4 - Don’t You Get Attached by Lisa

Lisa — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 07:50:49 +0000

I just found your podcast. Just downloaded all episodes and am slowly listening to them. It brings back a flood of memories. My husband and I have adopted 5 children. 4 of them through the fost/adopt process and one through a private adoption. 3 of them are siblings separated in fostercare and reunited in our home. The oldest is now 15 and the youngest is 5. We started this process in 1998 and listening to your show brings it all back as though it were yesterday. I wish this medium had been around 10 years ago. (Wow, has it really been 10 years?)

We have had our ups and downs. We are currently on an up! Just when I think I have see it all, something new arises!

I decided to comment on this episode because attachment is near and dear to my heart. Several of my children suffered from attachment issues when we got them. Although we have worked very hard and at times thought we had conquered many of the problems, new milestones in our children’s lives revealed new gaps in their attachment issues. When our son became infatuated with his first crush it revealed huge attachment issues. We are told that at major life events such as marriage and birth of the first child, our kids may have to readjust and may even need counseling to maintain healthy relationships. Bless you for what you are doing and bless you for tying spirituality into your podcast. You never know how many lives you will change.

P.S. Our youngest child is Cherokee. That adoption was subject to the Native American Treaties concerning adoption of Native Americans. Which although is riskier, did not pose a problem for us. The risk was gone by the time she was 3 months old because all the tribes had formally waived their rights by that time. We were initially respite care providers for her and decided we wanted to adopt her when we discovered that all of the couples contacted were frightened by the Native American adoption laws involved in her case. By the time we got her we had already been through the adoption process 4 times and we were not easily frightened. Your listeners should understand that Native American Treaties take precedence over any state laws governing adoption, so regardless of what state you live in you are still required to abide by the Treaties.

I am sure I will comment again as I listen to more and stroll down memory lane with you!

Comment on Episode 10 - Community by Julie

Julie — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 04:50:12 +0000

Tim,
Sorry I’m commenting on podcasts that are by now old news, but I’m catching up. I am just so happy to hear you both because everything you said is SO RIGHT ON!!!
Two things that you may have podcasted about already, but if you haven’t, I often ponder them:
1. A kid gets abused and tells and ends up in foster care. This means that parents get to stay in their comfy home with all their stuff and familiar surroundings, and the kid has to leave, get the title of foster kid, and move in with strangers. This is sort of like punishing the foster kid instead of the parent. If that kid then gets reunified, and gets abused again, I would think that kid is much less likely to tell about the abuse again, because they know the result will be being removed again. What a messed up world. But of course, in a perfect world there would be no need for foster care.
2. Even more staggering. There are what, 500,000 kids in foster care in the U.S.? To become a foster kid you have to be really abused or neglected and have NO FAMILY OR FRIENDS who can take you in. I think it is a shame that we are so disconnected from each other in the U.S. that there are 500,000 kids whose families have NO STABLE PERSON who can help them in a crisis. EEEEEEKKK!!!! I can’t imagine having no one that badly. I have no family closer than 800 miles from me, and all my close friends live far away also, and that sucks. But, I have my church small group. I know that if something were to happen, I could call them and they would be there. Yes, Life Groups (or small groups, as we call them), are so important. How do people live without church? Never mind without God. I’m glad you have your Life Group to help you.
By the way, I met my new foster daughter today for a visit. She is so sweet! She’s moving in tomorrow:)
Sorry I’m so longwinded.

Comment on Episode 39 - Foster Care in the Media by Julie

Julie — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 04:24:25 +0000

OOps. Ignore previous comment. I just figured it out!
Julie

Comment on Episode 39 - Foster Care in the Media by Julie

Julie — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 04:22:59 +0000

Tim and Wendy,
By the way, is there a way to listen to your past podcasts? I can’t figure it out. Are there archives I’m missing?
thanks,
Julie

Comment on Episode 36 - I Hate This, Thank You by Julie

Julie — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 04:20:34 +0000

Tim and Wendy,
I just found your podcast site tonight from reading Cindy Bodie’s blog. Thanks so much for doing this!! I have been looking for foster care blogs. I just finished my foster care license paperwork on Friday at 1:30, and at 3:30 the same day I got my first call for a placement. So tomorrow afternoon I will have a 12 year old girl placed with me!! I’m excited and nervous!!! I certainly didn’t think it would be such a short time to get a placement.
I am a young, single, Christian, university professor.
One question, I was wondering whether it was hard to find foster care blogs due to the necessity to keep children’s stories confidential. Do you have any thoughts on this? I would like to start a blog also, but don’t want to overstep any privacy issues.
Thanks again for your podcast and your commitment to children.
Julie

Comment on Episode 39 - Foster Care in the Media by Jenn and James

Jenn and James — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 23:24:11 +0000

We have been listening to all your podcasts and I think they are great.
We have one loin child & one fost-adopt child and it looks like he may be reunified with his birth father. Colud you talk more about that and possibly to others that have gone through it that have bio kids? Here they call it a disruption.
Thanks
Jen in Colorado

Comment on Episode 38 - When Your Social Worker Doesn’t Return Calls by Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 14:37:54 +0000

Hi guys! I just wanted to post a comment of how much I love your podcast. I have thought for a while about becoming a foster/adopt parent and your experience and sense of humor are wonderful to listen to- I got your info off of itunes and will post an excellent review there. I hope this hasn’tbeen addressed before and I”ll check on the sites you recommend (I’m in SoCal, Los Angeles) and I’m still in the preparation stage, gathering info and support, but I’m a single woman and I’m wondering if you could recommend any info for single fost/adopt parents and their experience and advice. I’m 37 and am self-employed. I also appreciate that you are Christians but you don’t seem to impose it on your listeners and I really appreciate it- I am not religious and I really appreciate what you’re doing and sharing your experiences with all of us! I’m going to tell my sister (4 kids, 3 international adoptions) about it and more, when I get all of my ducks in a row!

Comment on Episode 38 - When Your Social Worker Doesn’t Return Calls by Rich Bobby

Rich Bobby — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 03:22:38 +0000

Tim and Wendy,
I think it’s great what you are doing with this podcast, since many foster parents could benefit from the support you lend. As a social worker, I just wanted to clarify the term “social worker.” A social worker is anyone who has a bachelor’s or master’s degree in the field of social work. I only bring this up because often the term “social worker” is generalized by many to mean caseworker or case manager, and the field of social work, which is backed by the National Association of Social Workers feels strongly to distinguish the social work profession compared to other professions. From my experience, a large majority of case managers who work in foster care have degrees in social work, however there are also many who don’t. A good analogy of this is like calling all therapists psychologists, when in reality therapists can be psychologists, licensed counselors, and social workers.

My advice for foster parents who are having difficulty reaching case managers is to use e-mail and copy their supervisors, HOWEVER only use the children’s initials and do not write any identifying information about the children you care for to protect confidentiality and keep the e-mails brief (e.g., “Please call us to let us know what happened in court yesterday, thanks”). If you do not have access to e-mail then don’t hesitate to call the supervisor, case managers are extremely busy and bumping it up the ladder often helps prioritize what’s urgent for case managers. If it’s not urgent then the supervisor may be able to provide a quick response, since they’re not in the field as much as case managers. Keep in mind the many hours case managers spend sitting in court hearings, conducting home visits, school visits, and attending various meetings to just name a few duties. Also keep in mind that majority of case managers are overworked and underpaid, and most do the work for the passion they have in making a difference in children’s lives even though it may not always appear that way looking in from the outside. At the next home visit your case manager has, make it a point to say that you know how busy he/she must be, thank them for their dedication to the children you care for, and remind them that it’s people like them who make a difference in children’s lives by helping them achieve a permanent placement. For most case managers this will go a very long way, and will likely motivate them to live up to this standard and will increase the probability of them returning your call sooner because they’ll feel valued by calling you, especially when their work is often unappreciated by the system.

In regards to your question concerning open adoptions, of course every child and every situation is different. It would be difficult to say that open adoptions are either good or bad for all children. What I can say based on experience is that many children long for their biological roots or connections, even after years of being away from their parents. One example of this is a book recently released, called “Hope’s Boy,” by Andrew Bridge, which is a memoir of an attorney who grew up in foster care and yearned to be with his mother after living in foster care for over 10 years until he “aged-out” of the system. Although research is limited in the child welfare field in general, it is often best to individualize what’s best for each child when addressing this issue. Thanks again for your advocacy.

Comment on Episode 38 - When Your Social Worker Doesn’t Return Calls by Robin Lynn

Robin Lynn — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 04:43:31 +0000

Hi Tim and Wendy,

My husband and I got the bug to find what you were looking for, and this was an incredibly interesting, if not the most eloquently expressed, series of blog entries discussing the topic amongst a variety of people, including a few adult open adoptees. Our impression was that there was a bias towards open adoption among the birth and adoptive parents, but that this was not the consensus amongst adult open adoptees, who were much more ambivalent. I’d love to know what you think, as we are thinking about this ourselves.

http://forums.adoption.com/adult-adoptees-open-adoption/273571-i-am-adult-who-raised-open-adoption.html

Comment on Episode 38 - When Your Social Worker Doesn’t Return Calls by Legally Kidnapped

Legally Kidnapped — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 02:25:34 +0000

All you have to do is leave several messages with a live person, get the name of the person you leave the message with, and document every call. The workers will have to answer to it sooner or later.

Comment on Episode 37 - Courtroom Drama by Groupie Laura V.

Groupie Laura V. — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 02:32:57 +0000

Hooray!! The new web format is not giving me a script error!

It’s your Chicago groupie here. I agree with Amanda… once again your podcast was “wonderfully crafted to keep us in SUSPENSE”. The whole thing with the change of circumstance was scaring me the entire time, and then in one quick decision by a judge with some common sense…. the fear was gone.

Congratulations. I am still listening even though our foster-adoption plans are on standby while we are growing a “homemade” big/little brother or sister for him/her. We are keeping our license up to date and making long range plans to either adopt through foster care or to move towards traditional foster care in a few years.

Still waiting for the posts about “when do you tell your agency that you are pregnant” and “how do you find out information about the outcome of specific foster children whom have crossed your path”. (Specifically, how can you be sure that a child that you were told WOULD be adopted by another family actually GOT adopted).

I have to say, if people learn about nothing else than about the risks and pitfalls of mediation, you have already done your job.

Go in Peace and Continue to Serve Our Lord!!

Comment on Episode 37 - Courtroom Drama by Mandi

Mandi — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 19:21:56 +0000

Wonderful news!!!…couldn’t be any happier for both of you and the girls! Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us listeners. We are hoping for an outcome like yours with the little guy we have in our care right now. Please pray for us as we pray for you and your family.
Mandi

Comment on Episode 37 - Courtroom Drama by Lori

Lori — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 02:19:12 +0000

Hi!
Found you on the internet on a day that I was searching for foster parent encouragement. We have been foster parenting for one year now in Pa. For some reason we seem to only get temporary children…three months or less. We have two bio. children in junior and senior high. I just needed to hear about people facing the similar struggles and get a little more insight into the court system. We have three families now fostering from our church. I’ve considered a S.S. class to help encourage but do not know if there is any studies out there for foster parents from a Christian perspective…any insight?
Thanks for the podcasts…I listen when I can.
Lori

Comment on Episode 37 - Courtroom Drama by Amanda

Amanda — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 01:58:42 +0000

Congratulations Tim and Wendy (and Andrea and Linda)!

I listened to your most recent podcast today at the gym and clapped out loud when I heard the result! Yes, a few people looked at me. Anyway, you really did not “give away” the ending. If anything, I feared the judge would put things off again or alllowed Carmen to claim change of status. I’m very happy for you.

My husband and I have 3 bio-boys, but have just met with our social worker for the first time a week ago to begin the process to get licensed for foster care and probably US foster care adoption is our goal. It may take a long while before we are ready and feel our family is ready (our kids are young), but thought it couldn’t hurt to start the process. Thanks so much for the information and inspiration! Hope you’ll continue to podcast on this new journey.

Comment on Episode 37 - Courtroom Drama by Jessica

Jessica — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 02:19:15 +0000

Hi Tim and Wendy,
I’ve been “lurking” out here for 6 months and following your podcasts each week. I finally had to write just to let you know how inspiring you are and that I am SO happy for you and the girls. It’s so funny to hear you talk about your listeners (all 3 of them) knowing that there are many just like me who just have been listening in and haven’t really made it known. I love that awareness month increased your listeners and will most likely encourage others to become foster parents as well. We are still in the “learning more about it” phase and trying to determine if it’s something that is right for our family (more about timing than anything). I just wanted to let you know you all are in our prayers. Congratulations again!!!

Comment on Episode 37 - Courtroom Drama by koo in MN

koo in MN — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 19:21:51 +0000

what a beautiful episode. i am so happy for your girls and you. i’d been thinking about you and the case all week.

Comment on Episode 37 - Courtroom Drama by Wendy

Wendy — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 16:33:50 +0000

David, I love those thoughts!

Anonymous, if you can suggest a more appropriate name for me I’d be glad to consider it!

Comment on Episode 37 - Courtroom Drama by Anonymous

Anonymous — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 22:13:48 +0000

About the pictures of you on the top- Tim looks like his voice sounds. Wendy, you look nothing like I had imagined (Wendy comes from the name Gwendolyn, so pictured you with reddish hair and a different face!)

Very cute picture.

Bye!

Comment on Episode 28 - Adopting Across Racial Lines by Em

Em — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 17:33:18 +0000

I just wanted to say I thought this episode was great and thanks for elaborating on some of the issues. It’s really great to hear white, privileged people talking about race and class. As a biracial woman who grew up in a multiracial family (and is now involved with someone who wasn’t even born in this country!), I don’t think there are any steadfast answers- especially considering you’re dealing with children, not adults, and they are not steadfast in how and what they are. Knowing children who grew up in situations where part of themselves was denied, even bringing up these issues can mean a lot to children in the future. Congrats to you, but keep learning and questioning yourselves, please! There are many multiracial resources on the internet (I believe I mentioned the Anti-Racist Parenting blog on a previous post?) and they can be a godsend for folks such as you.

Comment on Episode 27 - Embracing Special Needs by Em

Em — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 16:56:38 +0000

That’s great! It is harder to pick up when you’ve been told it’s OK to do when you were growing up- thanks for encouraging your children, even when you find it hard to adapt yourself.

Comment on Episode 37 - Courtroom Drama by David Scherer

David Scherer — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 07:34:15 +0000

Whoops, I meant Jacob, not Joseph.

Comment on Episode 37 - Courtroom Drama by David Scherer

David Scherer — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 07:31:59 +0000

Hey Tim & Wendy,

I’m so happy for the both of you I can’t even tell you!!! Do we get to throw a party for you or anything? Anyway, if you’re taking suggestions for middle names for the girls, I’d go with Rachel for Andrea (although it was a longer wait, Joseph had to wait for her just as you did), and Ruth for Linda (fiercely loyal to her adoptive mother and culture). Just a thought. Congratulations again!!!

Take care,
David

Comment on Episode 27 - Embracing Special Needs by Tim

Tim — Sat, 31 May 2008 17:52:41 +0000

You’re right. My apologies. Our girls actually always say “criss cross applesauce”, and I guess we haven’t quite picked it up yet.

Comment on Episode 27 - Embracing Special Needs by Em

Em — Sat, 31 May 2008 15:58:02 +0000

Hi! I just discovered your podcast last weekend and have slowly been listening to them all. I was listening to this episode today while cleaning, and while I want to say how amazing your podcast is, and how much I look forward to listening to the rest of the episodes- along with how touching this episode was in particular… my skin crawled when you said “sitting indian style.” It’s not particularly an offensive phrase in and of itself, but growing up part native, the phrases people use day-to-day without realizing how negative they can be is disappointing, at best. One great, quick resource on this is a page on the Understanding Prejudice website, along with the website Anti Racist Parent (which has a lot of contributors who are adoptees, have adoptived, or work in the adoption and/or foster care system!

I’m looking forward to listening to more podcasts this weekend!

Comment on Episode 36 - I Hate This, Thank You by Robin Lynn

Robin Lynn — Fri, 30 May 2008 03:23:32 +0000

Hi,

I just wanted to say thank you again for your podcast describing the small victories. I could totally relate to the strange dichotomy of the closeness and trust that comes out of strong discipline. My husband and I have just brought home two three year old girls whom we are already in love with. It’ll still be a long ride, longer than they originally told us, but we’re willing to be on it. Meanwhile, I appreciate your podcast for the moral support and information.

Comment on Episode 36 - I Hate This, Thank You by Tammy Chang

Tammy Chang — Fri, 30 May 2008 02:25:05 +0000

Hey Tim and Wendy,
Just wanted to let you know that I placed a link to your podcast on my blog. Jesse and I are reading and praying about beginning the process of adoption. Thanks for your help and encouragement through this podcast! I’m still trying to get my husband to listen. Maybe if I lie and tell him you talk about gardening. He’d be down with that. Could you do a podcast about gardening with your girls?! J/K You are all in our prayers as you continue with the process.
Tammy